Beggars' Choice

Stupid , Observation-based Whimsy, Part II:

The other day I saw a sign outside an office that read "Brush, Fork, & Pencil: Illustration and Design" or something similar. How the hell do you illustrate and/or design with a fork?

I'm probably demonstrating profound ignorance of the illustration and design process, but I stand by my question.

Update. Well, I'm sure it said "illustrators"somewhere, but clearly I'm smoking too much crack again because according to Yellow Pages they organise functions and do catering. Mmmm ... catering. Hand me a pencil; I'm hungry.

The other day I saw a van owned by a company that sealed bathroom tiles without pulling up the tiles, or something like that. The van was covered in advertising for this wonderful service, but on the side, in prominent letters, was the killer punch: "Complimentary Fridge Magnet".

I told my friend Trev Mazz about this, and how ridiculous it was that someone, presumably shelling out a large sum of money for this service, would be swayed by a fridge magnet. But he disagreed, and said if you were having to choose between two tile sealers who were identical in every way EXCEPT one offered a free fridge magnet and the other didn't, well, you'd probably go with the ones who offered the magnet.

I have to admit he has a point. So next time you have to hire a tradesman, ask yourself "do they offer a complimentary fridge magnet?". You know it makes sense.

They say we cease developing when we stop finding out new things about ourselves. Well, I'm pleased to say that on Friday I discovered a new thing about myself - I can feign interest in the pros and cons of wax-based bicycle chain lubricant for no more than 5 minutes. Hooray! I'm still on the autobahn of personal growth.

I don’t know if it’s just me – it probably is – but I seem to be plagued by people walking backwards. We’re both walking along minding our own business, them in front of me, when suddenly without warning they go into reverse. I barely have time to shout "what the hell are you doing?” before the inevitable collision occurs. Usually happens with old ladies in the supermarket, so read into that what you will.

Yesterday I got cleaned up by a backwards-walking colleague in the tea room; one moment walking along smoothly in front of me, the next it’s full speed in the opposite direction. I was holding a coffee at the time and reacted in the only way I know how, ie pouring scalding liquid all over myself. WHY CAN’T PEOPLE STICK TO WALKING FORWARDS, AS THE GOOD LORD INTENDED? Bloody hell.

Remember that scene in ‘The Office’ where a disputed quiz night result was resolved by throwing a shoe over a pub? Me neither. However, one of my colleagues and I thought it would be a fine idea to emulate this and so yesterday, a group of us repaired to a pub to give it a shot. Since wind and driving rain were forecast we thought it might be safer to stay inside for the whole afternoon, listlessly flicking a Monopoly boot over a Monopoly hotel whilst getting shitfaced. As it turned out the weather remained dry and cloudy, but I stand by our decision.

Right off the top of your head, who is your favourite movie character of all time? Mine is Wicket, the brave Ewok.

ID, and whether it should be taught in schools, seems to be on the agenda in Australia at the moment. The whole premise seems to be that a lot of stuff (eyes, for example) is too complex to have evolved by chance. What rot! How would they know? I myself have seen an eye evolve from a tin of pineapple chunks and an old boot, and the whole thing took less than 10 seconds. Admittedly the conditions were quite unusual, but I can't go into too much detail because it's watching me, even as I type.

Finally, the answer to a burning question that non-science types have been asking for a very long time now – "where do you wear a lab coat?". Why, in a lab of course! Easy peasy.

Having said that, there are exceptions to this rule. For example, a colleague of mine wears his everywhere – in the lab, in the office, out to lunch, etc. The only time I’ve seen him take it off is when he plays tennis and even then he wears it to and from the changerooms.

Today he and I had to present talks at another hospital (not in a lab, either) and he seemed to finally realise that he might look a bit odd rolling up in a filthy, shabby lab coat. So he went out and got a smart, brand new lab coat for the occasion.

Such internal consistency is to be marvelled at, it’s not even that good in Star Trek.

Last Sunday I dined at the table next to a madman who was photographing pigeons. How he cajoled; wheedled; pleaded with them to pose nicely. When they would not acquiesce to his freakish whims, the abuse would flow freely.

I spent some time deciding whether, if he were to hold a slide night, it would be worth attending. I concluded probably not. Although the experience of sitting through an hour or two of pigeon slides would be quite novel, it would probably be slightly more boring than a typical slide night. Only slightly, mind.

Today I received an invitation to the opening of a new Perth nightspot, including free woodfired pizza and free drinks. Unfortunately the invitation contained two slight grammatical errors, and so I just cannot go, on principle.

I'm sure any sane person would do likewise.