Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Shock , Bewilderment as Australia Fails to Lose In Bizarre Circumstances
Tonight, the Australian soccer team made it to the World Cup finals for the first time since 1760 or thereabouts. The players all seemed quite emotional but they had nothing on the SBS TV commentators who covered the match. Typical post-match interview:
SBS dude [in quavering voice]: Well, after 32 years of soul-destroying, gut-wrenching heartache, Australian soccer arrived in the most glorious, exciting way imaginable. The team played as magnificently as they looked, bedecked as they were in heroic golden shirts, shirts that could so easily have been fashioned from the mythical golden fleece sought by Jason and the Argonauts, fellow-heroes but of a bygone age. As the team rose like a phoenix from the ashes of despair, what were your hopes, your dreams, as you played out the most dramatic piece of sporting-themed theatre the world has ever witnessed, ever, in history?
Player: well, yeah; it was a game of two halves, but ultimately we knew if were scored more goals than them we would probably win, and … ah …
[SBS dude is now sobbing uncontrollably and will not be comforted.]
Player: Er …
[SBS dude waves player away through mist of tears.]
Well, at least it beat the time in 1997 when that idiot tried to steal the net, or whatever.
UPDATE. Post-match TV footage included scenes of the Australian soccer team in their change rooms singing "You're the One That I Want", accompanied by John Travolta. I would just like to say that I foresaw this in a dream, 4 months ago.
SBS dude [in quavering voice]: Well, after 32 years of soul-destroying, gut-wrenching heartache, Australian soccer arrived in the most glorious, exciting way imaginable. The team played as magnificently as they looked, bedecked as they were in heroic golden shirts, shirts that could so easily have been fashioned from the mythical golden fleece sought by Jason and the Argonauts, fellow-heroes but of a bygone age. As the team rose like a phoenix from the ashes of despair, what were your hopes, your dreams, as you played out the most dramatic piece of sporting-themed theatre the world has ever witnessed, ever, in history?
Player: well, yeah; it was a game of two halves, but ultimately we knew if were scored more goals than them we would probably win, and … ah …
[SBS dude is now sobbing uncontrollably and will not be comforted.]
Player: Er …
[SBS dude waves player away through mist of tears.]
Well, at least it beat the time in 1997 when that idiot tried to steal the net, or whatever.
UPDATE. Post-match TV footage included scenes of the Australian soccer team in their change rooms singing "You're the One That I Want", accompanied by John Travolta. I would just like to say that I foresaw this in a dream, 4 months ago.
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The win should be celebrated as the one time in which the phrase "Australia beats Uruguay" might be met with surprise.
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