Beggars' Choice

Supermarkets. Yes, what’s not to like? As we push our wobbly trolleys around, trying to gain access to an aisle blocked by a thoughtful customer so we can vainly search for items that aren’t there only to have someone walk backwards into us, it doesn’t take much to break the gloom.

And so it came to pass last Saturday, for at our local Woolworths they were engaging in some sort of fundraiser that compelled the PA announcer to talk like a pirate. It was quite good; “frozen peas are currently on special” became “vittels of the pea variety, practically walkin’ the plank at 1.99 dubloons” and “jantorial assistance required in aisle 5 “ became “yarr, and the deck in aisle 5 be needin’ a proper swabbin’, so heave to, cabin boy, before I flay ye alive with me cat o’nine tails and tie ye sorry bones to the mizzen mast to serve as a warnin’ to other like-minded scallywags”. Well maybe not quite, but you get the general drift.

The only thing that slightly soured the performance was the accent; it was more Welsh than Cornish. Try to imagine Tom Jones doing a half-hearted pirate impersonation: “It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone! Now walk the plank”.

Nevertheless, two thumbs up, and I can’t wait for next week when they do Mr T. “I pity the fool that passes up the chance to purchase Pine-O-Cleen disinfectant at $4.95 a bottle. Now cut the jibber-jabber and get to aisle 2!” Well, they would if there was any sort of logic to this twisted world.