Beggars' Choice

A Very Serious Thoughtful Argument That Has Never Been Made In Such Detail Or With Such Care

2010-11-11T20:47:00.009+08:00

So anyway, I was having a beer with a mate of mine on Tuesday and I notice that he is not wearing a watch. "Good sir", I blurted out, "I notice that you are not wearing a watch. What is the deal with that?" and he explained that due to the ubiquitousness of public clocks, mobile phones, PCs, etc, wristwatches are essentially obsolete.

That certainly got me thinking. Have watches really become obsolete? I guess in a sense they have - one can easily get by without them - but then again, it's possible to get through life with one pair of shoes, or underpants. You can do it, but where's the fun?

So here, in no particular order, are my reasons for owning a wristwatch:

1. Impressing the ladies. OK, to be honest I can't comment properly on this - women tend to be more impressed by my massive goiter than my moderately priced watch, but if you were a young man trying to pull, a Rolex may help you to some extent. Perhaps, I don't know. We really need someone with a Rolex and a massive goiter to write in and let us know which is more effective.

2. You don't have to rummage around in your pocket looking like you're "trying" to find change for a homeless person whenever you want to tell the time.

3. It's just so easy to hurl your phone angrily at paparazzi. And then it's gone. At least with a watch you have to take it off first, which buys you valuable seconds of "cooling off" time.

4. You can quickly check the time even when your hands are dripping with blood.

5. You look at your watch, yawn, and roll your eyes. Everyone knows what you're on about; you're bored! This loses something if you try it with (say) the cuckoo clock in the corner of the room, especially if you are standing too close and the cuckoo emerges while you have your mouth open.

6. It usually takes longer than 3 months before your watch becomes hopelessly dated.

7. They're just plain handsome. No-one but a sadist or madman would bequeath a Nokia or Mac to their kids.

Election Day

2010-08-23T15:10:00.003+08:00

Gadzooks, the Australian public were so not hot for Labor or the coalition - it appears the entire voting public were busy washing their hair that night, or whatever the voting equivalent is. Why either leader thinks they have a mandate to govern is beyond me. Maybe the only fair way to settle this is have each leader wrestle a pig, and swap pigs at half time to keep it fair. And interesting. Winner gets to rule the country for three years or until they get fed up.

NB: I can't help but feel that the time was ripe for a Screaming Lord Sutch type person to sweep to power, and I completely missed the boat. Curses, curses.

Daniel Craig Has Ruined the Bond Franchise (Quips Department)

2009-12-22T19:22:00.000+08:00

Come Christmas, come the James Bond reruns, which gives me pause to thought ... Daniel Craig has ruined the Bond Quip. You know the sort of thing:

MI5 lacky: As you can see, the victim's head was cut off with a cut-throat razor. You might say it was a ... close shave.

D. Craig: Why would I say that?

MI5 lacky: ... er, well, because ... I ...

D. Craig: Shut the fuck up.

Or ...

[Jaws and Bond battle high above the stage at the Drury Lane theatre. Suddenly the curtains tear and they crash through the floorboards.]

Jaws: That was just a stage we went through.

D. Craig: Shut the fuck up. [Shoots him in the stomach].

Etc etc. Daniel Craig has ruined Christmas, and that's all I have to say.

PS Merry Christmas.

Sport

2009-05-24T15:10:00.002+08:00

The local TV guide lists tonight's rugby league match as "Gold Coast Titans v Many Sea Eagles".

Evidently Manly couldn't make it. Nevertheless, it promises to be a fascinating spectacle. A bunch of titans versus not one, not two, but many sea eagles! It will be just like The Birds. I hope some fat dude walks across the ground at some point accompanied by bassoon music in a homage to the great Hitchcock.

Interesting, If True

2009-05-05T21:46:00.010+08:00

I notice my compatriot Blandwagon has an interesting post referring to an idea raised by Australian blogger Tim Blair about how compassionate people tilt their head to one side or sometimes backwards. An interesting thesis. But, I hear you asking, perhaps, what about the cold-hearted, selfish, or just downright evil? Might the opposite effect apply - might they tilt their heads forwards? I say yes. Here's an exhaustive survey which I think supports my point:

Chad Kroger out of Nickelback

Tim Blair

Hitler

QED, I believe, or I'm a Chinaman.

UPDATE: In hindsight, I may have been too harsh lumping Tim Blair in with Chad Kroger - my apologies to Mr Blair for any distress caused. The madman Hitler, however, deserves no less.

Books About Clowns

2009-05-05T20:53:00.013+08:00

Went to a Craft and Antiques Fair the other weekend. It’s a biannual event held at the Claremont Showgrounds and has been running for quite a few years now, although I notice it’s actually now called a Craft, Antiques, and Collectibles Fair - this would explain the large number of McDonald’s giveaway toys that were on sale, which are neither crafty nor antiquey. Not really collectible either, some might say, and quite rightly too.

Highlight was picking up a Poole totem-pattern freeform bowl made in the 1950’s by Ruth Pavely. All this doesn't mean that much to me, but my wife is red-hot on these things and spotted it amongst the detritus as one might spot Wally on one of his amazing adventures, and snapped it up. Nice work!

Also worthy of comment were two books I found; The Clown Said No! and Watch Out, Jar Jar! (from the Read, You Will! series of Star Wars books for kiddies).

I naturally assumed the first book was about a clown getting pestered for sex and quickly started thumbing through it, but instead it turned out to be about a clown who is tired of being laughed at (who was his careers advisor?) and quits the circus, followed by a bunch of animals. He sets up a new, nurturing, circus which is friendly and supportive, with the centrepiece act the clown lulling a donkey to sleep with his piano accordion or something. Upshot: people will gladly fork over hundreds of dollars to look at a kipping donkey. NOTE TO SELF: incorporate sleeping donkey into all future business plans.

The Jar Jar book features one of the most, ahem, “beloved” animated characters of all time in a seemingly never-ending cavalcade of hi-jinx. Thought you couldn’t hate Jar Jar more than you already do? Think again. It’s thoroughly depressing, but it did provide my first encounter with super-awesome jedi knight Yarael Poof: anyone who can make it with that name and with a neck that long in a room full of people with lightsabres is OK by me.

The Somali Pirate Thing

2009-04-15T20:28:00.002+08:00

This will have a profound impact on the world, mark my words. And not just for International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

The Financial Crisis

2009-04-14T10:19:00.005+08:00

Like most people I'm sure, I find the whole thing very bewildering. Also, it is taking place at such a grand scale I find I just can't get as worried about it as I feel I should, like the part of my brain that worries about things is being overloaded to such an extent it's switching off. Or at least focussing on more mundane matters, like what do you call this:

0.25%

I used to think it was called zero point two five percent although apparently it can also be called point two-five of a percent, point two-five of a percentage point, or twenty five basis points. I like "basis points" best, it has a dramatic ring to it.

Not Much to Say

2009-01-13T19:42:00.003+09:00

Christmasandnewyear is over, and for some reason the principle undying memory is accidentally watching about 5 minutes of the Edinburgh Military Tattoo on TV. Now, three salient points from this unhappy episode:

1. It was extremely boring.
2. I used to love watching it as a kid, ergo:
3. We used to put up with some stupefyingly dull TV in my youth. Case in point: Pot Black. Pot Black was a show about snooker. In fact, it WAS snooker; two blokes from the League of Nations Snooker Premier League (from England! Steve Davis! From Australia! Eddie Charlton! From the darkest, wildest Borneo, Umblatta the Terrifying! Etc) would square off against each other for half an hour, while the commentator "Whispering" Ted Lowe, would state the bleeding obvious, non-stop, sotto voce. Week after week. And we lapped it up for some reason.

Also Mastermind, where a camera would slowly zoom in on someone sitting in an uncomfortable chair, not being able to answer questions about the first ten Roman emperors.

New Zealand

2008-11-13T13:48:00.006+09:00

We are off to New Zealand today for a little while. Everyone I have have spoken to about this mentions "fush and chups" or waxes lyrically about the Lord of the Rings. No! Whilst I respect their viewpoints entirely, there is but one thing to see in new Zealand, and that is the mighty Toothbrush Fence:ie a string of over fifty toothbrushes tied to a wire fence in Te Pahu, New Zealand by local nutter Laird McGillicuddy Graeme Cairns (although if my eyes don't deceive me, Mr Cairns appears to be taking a few liberties with some of his "toothbrushes").

Unfortunately Te Pahu is in the North Island and we will be restricted to the South, so I have no idea how we will spend our time.

UPDATE. We ended up splitting our time between the Mt Cook region and Dunedin and had a fantastic time. I should point out that while we missed out on the toothbrush fence, we did speak to a guy in Geraldine who had reconstructed the Bayeux Tapestry out of broken knitting machine parts. AND added his own ending to boot. What a genius! Take note, toothbrush fence loser.

Road Bike

2008-11-13T13:38:00.002+09:00

I got a new road bike a couple of months ago. What to say; they go very fast and are rather unstable. Also if you forget to take your feet out of the cleats when you stop, you fall over.

Olympic Thoughts

2008-08-17T13:41:00.002+08:00

1. Why don't Americans do better at shooting?
2. Cycling events should include unicycles.
3. Channel 7's commentators are imbeciles.

That is all.

Sport

2008-04-07T21:35:00.003+08:00

Last Sunday: whilst running laps around the local oval I picked up a football some kids had been kicking, and helpfully kicked it back to them. Despite only having to kick it 10 metres it slewed off my foot, bounced away at right angles into the adjacent parking lot and landed in a huge puddle. On retrieving it, given that it was soaking wet (and also to play it safe) I rolled it back to the lads across the grass, although it only went about 3 metres of the required 10. At this point I cut my losses and ran away.

Anyway, I expect they now revere me as some sort of sporting role model so I just wanted to say winners don't use drugs or something.

Stuff of No Particular Importance

2008-03-27T19:21:00.002+09:00

Not my idea, but an idea I like very much, is the idea of BOX HUNTING. Basically the same as fox hunting, but with a box instead of a fox.

Think of the advantages ... box easier to catch, which means more time back at the PUB boasting of one's heroic exploits catching the wily box, and no bothersome animal activists. Of course, you might still have to deal with box activisits, but given that the 'Boxes' community on Orkut is pretty moribund these days I doubt their numbers are exactly legion.

Reasonable

2008-02-04T21:35:00.000+09:00

To cut a really long and boring story short, our office is in the throes of a massive and deadly serious chair war. I thought I had managed to keep out of until I got to work last Tuesday and found that my comfy chair had been pinched.

I eventually found out who did it, but what to do? To kick up a stink about chair theft is pretty infantile, but you can't let this sort of thing stand. After some thought I responded in the most mature way I could think of - I hid his and replaced it with a serviceable but slightly inferior model:

I understand he tore it to bits with his bare hands. Some people eh?

It's the Cops

2008-02-03T11:29:00.000+09:00

Saw The Police last night, as part of their reunion world tour.

I never really got into The Police; for a band with rock pretensions, they never really "rocked", at least not in the sense of The Who et al. For example, they named their second last album after an existentialist book Sting had found interesting - not exactly driving a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool or chucking a TV out of a hotel window.

However! Such earnestness has a flipside - songs about the troubles in Northern Ireland still retain the same artistic cred as when they were first performed which is more than you can say about lyrics such as "I hope I die before I get old".

Their show was good, and most importantly they were entertaining in their own right and not merely some kind of travelling historical freakshow, such as the Rolling Stones.

Also, Andy Summers is 85 years old or something. I never knew that.

PS It appears I have mistaken the average t-shirt price for Summers' age. Summers is, of course, 95.

I See Wedding Bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy

2008-02-03T11:19:00.000+09:00

http://www.lotterywest.wa.gov.au/asp/index.asp?pgid=538&cid=683&id=350:

"WINNER DEFIES PSYCHIC PREDICTION TO WIN LOTTO
31 January 2008
A 40 year old woman has defied a psychic’s prediction from nearly 20 years ago that she would “never win Lotto” to scoop a $666,666.67 Division One win from the Australia Day Lotto draw."

You would think, of all the things you could predict, you would be on fairly safe ground to foresee a non-Lotto win. You would think.

I suggest next time the psychic play it even safer, such as "slight weight gain each year" or "there will be evenings when there is simply nothing to watch on TV".

Surfin' Safari

2008-01-28T21:39:00.001+09:00

Yesterday I returned to scene of the crime (Trigg) for a surf with some mates. Pretty good surf; small to middling with a few good waves. Highlight was watching some dude going nicely across a wave, and then suddenly pulling up because out of nowhere (I kid you not) came a baby lying on a surfboard, straight out of the wave.

Now, I can only assume the kid was a very young-looking toddler, and his father/mother/other had pushed him into the wave from a now obscured spot. I will also assume his baby bonnet was a sunhat of some description, though it looked a hell of a lot like a baby bonnet.

Anyway, the baby surfed into shore where he was greeted by someone who might have been his mother/aunty/a complete stranger.

Alternatively, he might have been washed all the way from Jeffries Bay in South Africa in a strong rip, and his distraught parents are, to this day, searching the beach for their baby.

This is the version I choose to believe.

Hooray for Australia Day

2008-01-28T21:28:00.000+09:00

Spent Australia Day (or the afternoon and evening thereof) at Perth's Trigg Beach. When we arrived some drunken imbecile had fallen out of a Norfolk Island pine tree and his friends had clustered around him, poking his prone body with a stick (well, not really, but they might as well have). By the time we got close enough to render assistance he was moving so there wasn't much more that could be done until an ambulance turned up and took the unfortunate wretch away. His friends then got stuck back into the heavy drinking. Awesome!

This pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day, which was spent dodging footballs, tennis balls, dogs, and avoiding fights and pools of vomit.

God bless Austria, and please may I emigrate to the Cocos Islands now, they sound quite nice.

The Good Old Days

2008-01-23T19:25:00.000+09:00

A letter in today's Perth daily, The West Australian:

"Twenty-five years ago and you could take your kids to the beach and let them run around in the nick or you could buy a family nudist magazine from the local newsagent off the shelf and no one accused you of being a child sex offender.

Or you could go into the city to the X-club and watch X-rated movies on the big screen and then a stripper would come on, or you could go to the $2 peepshows in Northbridge and watch live, dancing nude girls, or they had topless barmaids on at the local hotel, or even hire an X-rated movie from the local video shop.

That was until the do-gooders took over the country and banned it all. Now we have people with spy cameras in their shoes spying up girls' skirts, or spy cameras in the bathroom or toilet spying on women and children, or downloading child nudity off the internet, or they have a hidden stash of illegal X-rated movies from the ACT, or taking secret photos with their phone camera."

Quite! I, too, remember the days when you could take a trolley car into town, have a slap-up meal, buy a bongo mag, take in a show, and still get change out of a shilling.

And then the do-gooders banned it all! Damn them all to hell. Hangings too good for them, I tell you.

Grumpy Old Man

2008-01-18T08:33:00.000+09:00

Apparently this is post 100! Very good.

Anyway, I'm on holiday for a week on child minding duties, and the day before yesterday we went to the beach. Lots of schoolies were there, and a number of girls appeared to have written their mobile numbers on the small of their back with sunscreen. Assuming it was their own number and not someone else's, I did wonder if this was wise - 2008! The summer of the relentlessly phoning pervert! - until I remembered that beaches are generally the last place you'd expect to find a pervert.

Anyway, it was a fun day, even if I did suffer the awful tragedy of my hat blowing off into the water. The humanity!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T15:51:00.000+09:00

Yes, Happy New Year. What for 2008? I'm going to teach my kids how to mix a proper cocktail, that's for sure. Their efforts throughout 2007 were, frankly, abysmal, particularly the younger one. I've complained to her grade 1 teacher about this, and for my troubles I get threatening phone calls from Family Services.

Carrot

2007-12-20T20:40:00.000+09:00

Friend of mine told me an interesting story last night: he went into a Farmer Jack's supermarket a few days ago, and got behind an old dude trying to get a refund on a carrot. Not sure what the problem was - surplus to requirements, perhaps. Anyway, there he was; a medium sized carrot clitched in his grimy hand, asking for his money back.

And good for him, say I. I'll be conducting an experiment soon to see what the smallest item I can get a refund for - results posted here. WATCH THIS SPACE

Well I Never!

2007-12-11T20:35:00.000+09:00

According to this fascinating website, the honey bee's penis explodes shortly after mating.

All I can say is, if you're a bee, it must make getting a blow job extremely difficult HA HA HA HA oh, I kill myself, I really do.

Quick!

2007-12-10T14:36:00.000+09:00

If you were sitting next to an empty seat on the bus, and someone came up and asked you if the seat was taken, what would you say?

(a) "Duh, YES".
(b) [Looking them up and down] "ahhh .... ummmm ........ ah ..... ummmmm ...."
(c) "Did you hear that, Harvey? He asked if the seat was taken". [Pause] "Well, apparently so".
(d) "Oh, HAVE the goddamned seat then". [Storm off.]
(e) Burst into tears.
(f) Other.

Interview

2007-12-06T19:55:00.000+09:00

Had to interview some people today, all of whom are at least feigning a desire to work at our factory. I know; strange, but true. Anyway, one of these was a young CHYK, who we interviewed over the phone.

"When handling dangerous chemicals, what might you wear?" we ask. Pause. "Clothes ..." she answers, before her voice trails away.

FAIL.

No-one wears clothes here, least of all when handling dangerous chemicals.

Kids, They Say Things, Darn It

2007-12-03T20:52:00.000+09:00

Set up a nativity scene yesterday; youngest kiddie keeps referring to the holy infant as "Sweet Jesus". Where the hell did she pick up that expression from? Not from me! Crikey Moses, kids today.

Thankfully, I have noted the absence of the following nativity-themed nomenclature: Mary Mother of God, Jesus H. Christ, and Where the Hell Are My Car Keys.

Last Word on the Conference

2007-11-29T19:54:00.000+09:00

Well, the conference has come and gone, and good bloody riddance I say.

THE END

UPDATE: It would be remiss of me not to point out that people were told (by mistake) to format their posters in a protrait style rather than the normal landscape. Space had been allocated such that the posters would fit one above the other.

Anyway, in a touching display of something-or-other, everyone did exactly as they were asked (even though what they were asked to do was patently stupid) and we were left with the top half of the upper posters flopping about helplessly and the bottom half of the lower posters trailing across the floor.

Next year, delegates will be asked to print their posters on Post-It notes attached to $100 bills.

UPDATE II: What conference, you ask?? You know, the one I would have mentioned a lot more, if only I posted here more regularly. Hmm ... posted more regularly ... well, if there's a lesson here, I'm completely failing to see it.

Saturday Night Election Fever

2007-11-28T22:31:00.000+09:00

We (Australia) held a federal election last Saturday. The klutzy incumbent party, led by a boring conservative nerd, was driven out of office and replaced with a new klutzy party led by a boring, nerdy, conservative.

It's these differences that, although small, are nonetheless critical. Watch as Australia transforms from an inward looking nation to a nation that looks inward.

NB: Probably the crucial, crucial difference between the two leaders is this: the old guy had shoulder spasms when he was stressed; the new guy makes weird gesticulations that come slightly too early or too late.

UPDATE. English readers; a little help please. Some commentators have openly wished the new fellow will be like Tony Blair. Is this a good thing? Admittedly Blair was a good gesticulator.

The Conference Organisation Continues Apace

2007-09-20T20:04:00.000+08:00

CONFERENCE UPDATE

The Professional Conference Oragniser and I are apparently at odds over the meaning of the words"professional" and "organiser". We are, however, in complete agreement over what constitiutes a conference, and that's the important thing I think.

Courtesy Call

2007-09-18T20:58:00.000+08:00

My normally dull life was interrupted momentarily in July/August when I went to Europe, but normality has resumed and it's back to tiresome work- and home-related tribulations.

I can't really think of much noteworthy to say about England - I met fellow Kibologist P. J. Harvey there, who was an excellent host who bought me beer and taught me how to swear properly, as an Englishman might - BOLLOCKS TO THAT! No, it was true; it's just that you get to say BOLLOCKS a lot. BOLLOCKS!

Wales was some sort of retirement home for the British Isles, and France was indeed French.

Now it's back to organising a conference for dull science people. Could *you* bluff your way in front of a large crowd for 15 minutes, talking about science related BOLLOCKS? If so, drop me a line, and I'll see if I can't squeeze you in. Downside is it involves a trip to Perth.

Monthly Post

2007-06-18T20:17:00.000+08:00

Yes, monthly. Bah. By God, things just don't interest or annoy me the way they used to.

Anyway, two items to chew over and then choke on like the proverbial fork (Google it if you must):

1. I'm off to Eng-er-land soon for my sisters wedding, which should be quite japesome. My knowledge of modern-day England has been almost exclusively gleaned from Viz comics, so I'm quite looking forward to the warm beer, double-entendres, porn, and generally appalling behaviour.

2. Pinatas - mostly cute animals. Why don't they make pinatas that resemble truly loathsome things? Things that would make you feel really good when the whacking stick gets a bit of "purchase"? My suggestions include likenesses of the Crazy Frog and the lead singer out of Creed.

UPDATE. Or better yet, the actual lead singer out of Creed. Mirth!

Eurovision 2007

2007-05-09T20:16:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's going on in this sneak-preview pic, but 2007 is shaping up to be just as good as 2006.

This Just In

2007-05-05T20:26:00.000+08:00

BBC name worst pop lyrics of all time!

At number 1, Des'ree: "I don't want to see a ghost/It's the sight that I fear most/I'd rather have a piece of toast/Watch the evening news"

Yep, no argument there. But at number 3 we have Razorlight, with "And I met a girl/She asked me my name/I told her what it was".

Well, that seems reasonable. Why wouldn't you? A more worthy inclusion would have to be Eskimo Joe's "Sarah/Tell me your name".

Segway

2007-04-03T09:43:00.000+08:00

Not much time so must be brief ...

Saw my first Segway the other week. I understood these things were very slow moving, but I would describe it as moving quite slowly, or perhaps even moderately slowly. Anyway by the time our group had resolved to chase after it and push the "driver" over, it was out of range.

Nevertheless, very exciting.

Very, Very Happy

2007-03-27T20:53:00.000+08:00

Bought a new CD for the wife today. There was a little card inside which read, in part:

"Your decision to buy this recording is appreciated by more than 40,000 Canadians who work hard producing and supporting music."

Well! We've managed to make a lot of Canadians very happy! That in itself is a very fine thing. I admit I don't know what the population of Canada is - probably about 400,000 - which means we have brought joy to about 10% of the population, all with something as basic as a CD purchase. When I think of all the wonderful things Canada has given us over the years - William Shatner, Wayne & Shuster, The Guess Who etc - I'm glad that we could at least partly repay that debt.

The CD? "Greatest Irish Bands".

No, Canada! I say, thank you!

The Most Awesome Box EVAH!!!!!!n!!!!

2007-03-23T20:58:00.000+09:00

I'll keep this brief.

New guy at work, asked to design a receptacle for an object, BUT NOT A BOX, builds a box.

But not any box.

1. Box is completely assymetric; ie looks different when viewed from any angle.
2. Lid will only fit when corner A of lid aligned with corner A of base.
3. Box is huge. Absolutely massive.
4. Box is heavy. ReallyREALLY heavy. Box mass / object mass = 1 000 000 000 etc
5. Box is SEXY! When HAWT CHYX see box, they say "what's that?". You say "it's a box". They say "you're so funny!" etc.

Overall, I am warming to the box.

Possibly Too Much Information

2007-02-16T16:18:00.000+09:00

Had to provide a post-vasectomy semen sample this morning. Everything was going quite well, although unfortunately at the moment of no return I dropped the specimen jar on the floor.

And I think we'll leave it at that.

New Phone

2007-02-03T11:46:00.000+09:00

After diving into a swimming pool with cell phone in pocket (I call it a cell phone because my new backpack has a special pouch for a cell phone. Besides, I was beginning to feel that the old name I used - portable telephone - was kind of dumb) a couple of weeks ago, it was time to buy a new one. As per usual I settled for the second least expensive in the shop, one of them flippy types and very nicely presented in black onyx. Unfortunately when in bright light you can see thousands of little multicoloured sparkly things embedded in the onyx which looks bit "disco" if you catch my drift. I didn't realise this at the time, but provided I limit its use to the hours 8 pm to 8 am, everything's cool. Also it has a camera. Nice!

The Excitement of Live Blogging!

2007-01-22T09:49:00.000+09:00

Today we are having all the crappy old doors in our house taken away, and nice new doors installed. Huzzah! I have no doubt this will lift the family's spirits no end.

I had planned to live blog the whole thing, but after the initial excitement of all the old doors being removed not much is happening. Some sawing, hammering, breaking glass etc, but that's about it.

UPDATE! Some doors have gone up. There was a minor crisis when one of the doors was thought to have been the wrong size, but it was a false alarm. THANK GOD.

UPDATE!! Granted, live blogging is supposed to be "live" for maximum effect, but my connection was playing up last night so this will have to do.

*Ahem*

Well, the doors are up and many, if not all, have smart new handles to facilitate their opening and closing. I tested one door by pretending to slam it repeatedly against the tradesman's head, shouting "you miserable cur, you expect to be paid for this shoddy workmanship" but then he saw me and I had to pretend I was shouting at the cat. Anyway, I gave him his money and he finally went away, leaving us alone with our new doors. At the time of writing, I have used several.

Touching Base

2007-01-09T10:43:00.000+09:00

Hello, Beggars' Choice reader/s! I trust you had a good Christmas and an absolutely spiffing New Year. Since I'm a bit rusty blogging-wise, I'm going to loosen up with a few typos:

this is a tpyo

and really dull anecdote:

So this guy spent half an hour finding a box small enough to fit my bottle of methanol, and then when we walked all the way over to the stores, we found that the box was too small. What an idoit!

(Another typo for good measure. One doesn't want to rush into these things.)

And some lists:

1. Best song of the year: 'System Overload', The Datsuns.
2. Best album: Beck, 'The Information'. But mainly for the packaging.

There, that'll do. Have a great, great, GREAT 2007. Bye now!

I Love This City

2006-11-22T09:53:00.000+08:00

Summer is almost here, and in Perth that means it's time for the annual Festival of Smashing Beer Bottles On Cycle Paths. At least I assume so, judging by the sudden appearance of copious amounts of broken glass on my usual work route.

Hooray!

Speaking of cycling, the other week whilst riding home I saw a fellow on a freeway footbridge trying to defecate on passing cars below. One could only judge his mission to be a failure, given the amount of faecal matter that ended up in his pants or on the footbridge but he seemed pleased with himself nonetheless. Very pleased indeed. Good for you, sir!

I really do love this city.

Melbourne Cup

2006-11-07T15:59:00.000+08:00

The Race That Stops a Nation, they call it, although a more accurate name might be The Race That Causes People to Momentarily Forget They Have No Interest in Horse Racing Whatsoever and Start Yammering About Animals Called Saintly Lad and The Slug and Glue Boy For About a Week, Although Basically It's Just an Excuse For Champagne Breakfasts Anyway, though perhaps that's too much of a mouthful.

As per usual I grudgingly participated in the office sweep although in an amazing break with tradition my horse did not run second-last for once, it ran last, which means I won some money - $1 to be precise! You beauty!

On Bees and Clothes

2006-10-11T22:12:00.000+08:00

A fool and his money are soon parted, the old saying goes. The proof is in the pudding goes another, and knees up Mother Brown, knees up Mother Brown goes a third, perhaps.

The other day I purchased a fine garment manufactured by Puma, who, in attached labelling, stated "Outside, it’s not always nice. You get wet cold and hot. You fall down. There’s bees." It goes on, but there is already a clear implication that this is clothing that will keep you safe from bees.

Well, I doubt it, and that’s why I plan to go and torment some bees tomorrow whilst wearing the garment, in the hope of getting stung, and thereby being able to sue Puma. A class action would be even better! Interested parties can write to me once the swelling goes down.

Q. What's Brown and Sticky?

2006-09-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

Had to present a paper the other day. Held it up, said "look! A paper!" but it turned out they wanted me to talk about it as well. Sheesh. If only people would say what they mean.

Anyway, instead of a laser pointer (as is the norm in the modern world), they provided a big stick for pointing. Haven't used a stick for years, and it felt good. There's something about a stick that makes you want to shout "why, I'll thrash some manners into you, you miserable cur, by the Lord Harry I will" before delivering a fearful beating to some unfortunate soul. But everyone was quite polite, so I didn't.

I wonder how the pointy-stick wielding weathermen of yesteryear used to overcome such temptations? No wonder the anchors of yore were such stayers; the weaklings were probably weeded out very early by feral weather presenters.

A Nice Idea. Nice.

2006-08-31T20:43:00.000+08:00

80's Friday night TV show-themed chess set!!!*!

King: David Hasselhoff out of Knight Rider.
Queen: Possible Daisy Duke, or Erin Gray out of Buck Rogers. Unless you're prepared to accept that Xena was an 80's show in spirit, in which case, Xena.
Bishops: Michael J. Fox out of Family Ties, or maybe Magnum.
Knights: Jon and Ponch out of CHiPs.
Rooks: Mr T.
Pawns: not sure; either the chimp out of BJ and the Bear or Gary Coleman.

Yes! Winner! If you don't agree, it's probably because you can't appreciate my total godlike genius or something.

Wedding

2006-08-30T07:50:00.001+08:00

Just got back from a mate's wedding down south. Weddings are funny things in a lot of respects, not least the apparently still-held belief that it permits you to finally have sex. I know there are a few people who still hold out until wed, but the notion that everyone does it seems somewhat quaint. Also the buck's- and hen's nights - I know these things are light-hearted and not meant to be taken seriously, but nevertheless I find the whole idea a bit weird. That is, "cut loose, because tomorrow you're going to be manacled to the same man/woman for the rest of your life! How horrible!".

Made me quite nostalgic for getting married, though. My own wedding was about 15 years ago and the whole thing made me quite keen to renew my vows. On the whole, weddings seem to be a lot more fun when you're older and with the associated constraints of the first-time-wedding removed, a renewal of vows sounds brilliant.

What theme though? I'm leaning towards 100% Bollywood, or perhaps a Pride and Predjudice wedding. Although come to think of it, the speeches would go on a bit.

"I must hasten to inform the assembled party that it was certainly not my intent to cause embarrassment to the good lady Jane nor to bring shame upon her father, a man of excellent character and most indomitable spirit whom I have come to repect most highly and would not hesitate to seek counsel on any matter, forthwith with by bold proposal; rather, it was fulsome intent to bring forth a distraction of a welcome ... oh bugger, I've lost my place. I'll have to start again."

Damn Census

2006-08-08T21:34:00.000+08:00

Well, we'll see if the government takes any notice this time - if our suburb is not boasting a glittering Sikh temple where my 40 children from assorted wives may learn the ancient ways by THIS TIME TOMORROW, I'm going straight back to Iceland.

The Drug Testings Don't Work

2006-08-08T20:13:00.000+08:00

Another drug testing scandal rears its ugly head (to coin a phrase), this time involving Tour de France winner Floyd Landis.

Post-Ben Johnson, I don't remember one instance of the testing process working properly, at least when a positive test is involved. Time after time, the poor athlete gets a crook decision - positive test after positive test, and NOT ONCE have the drug testers got it right. According to the athletes.

Crikey eh? I blame society.

Bookmark

2006-07-24T11:52:00.000+08:00

This is a quick note to remind myself to, when I have more time, write about how forcing children to sing "The Gypsy Rover" is incredibly cruel.

Just What You Always Wanted

2006-07-18T20:50:00.000+08:00

(This has previously been posted this in a friend's scarpbook on orkut, but I'm reprinting here because I'm too lazy to think of anything original to write.)

A year or so ago, we got this nifty thing at work where you can (among other things) scan people's faces and load the data into a milling machine to make masks that get used in cancer radiation therapy.

So, what better use to put this technology to than to make creepy death masks! A colleague retired last Friday and he was presented with one of these things; a carved jarrah replica of his face: eyes closed, mouth slightly twisted. It looked as if had suffered a mercifully quick death, if not a peaceful one. "Oh" he said, and then again, "oh". Then he was presented with what was presumably the rough draft made out of plaster or something. "You can hang it in the toilet", someone said brightly. "Ah" said he.

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is, but I don't think the ol' gold watch is any danger of being superceded.

World Cup 2006 - Absolutely Final Post

2006-07-12T08:44:00.000+08:00

From a post in US blog 3 Quarks Daily on the Zinedine Zidane World Cup-brain explosion:

What did Materazzi say? Could it have been so unfamiliarly offensive that it incited a frenzy? Or was it merely a petty final straw near the end of a long match, a long career, of being insulted for Zidane? Insulting a player to incite is common enough that there's a word for it: sledging, from cricket, where it's apparently done with the greatest skill by the Australians.

Hooray! Australia makes its mark in world sport yet again!

And from comments:

How easily one forgets de Rossi and his intentional elbow to McBride's face. Or Totti's spitting in the face of an opponent, etc. Remember, de Rossi took one of the penalty kicks in the final. Not a peep was heard. And those were just in the usual course of play, not charged with racist elements.

It appears that Italian coach Marcello Lippi systematically assembled a team of complete bastards. Good for you, sir! That is how things get done these days.

Bomb Scare

2006-07-10T11:45:00.000+08:00

Was walking through the city the other day, and (as I found out later) a suspicious looking package had indeed aroused suspicions, and a chunk of Northbridge had been cordoned off. Noticing that some sort of incident had caused the police to block off the streets, we asked a policeman what was going on. He told us that some sort of incident had occurred, which had caused the police to block off the streets.

Talk about shooting your mouth off! I don't know about you, but I don't like that sort of casual divulging of top-secret information. It was all I could do to not remind him that loose lips sink ships, before reporting him to ASIO. Instead I bade him good day, and continued on my way.

World Cup 2006 - Final Post

2006-07-10T08:47:00.000+08:00

There are lots of things I admire about the Italians (sharp dress sense, pizzas, laziness) but most of all I admire their weasel-like ability to switch alligence to the winning side at the drop of a hat. Therefore, in the spirit of this, forza Italia, I say! FORZA ITALIA! Bellisimo! Espresso! Mozzarella etc

eBay Part 5784

2006-07-07T20:41:00.000+08:00

Bought a shirt on eBay recently. The brand was one I already own several shirts of, and so therefore I knew what size I ought to take. The shirt was nominally sky blue.

Turns out to be too big (ta daa!), and thanks to my slightly inaccurate monitor settings, the colour had been displayed inaccurately as well. It turned out to be a sort of lurid baby blue, the colour of blankets used to swaddle male infants.

Q. Why do I keep doing this to myself? WHY?
A. Because I am a notorious tightarse.

Nerds FC

2006-06-22T08:43:00.000+08:00

“Nerds FC” has been one of the less obnoxious reality shows on TV lately, although I didn’t see many episodes. Well, OK, I saw one; the last one. Most of it, anyway.

The premise (and like all good Australian shows, it’s been pinched from overseas) is thus: a group of hapless nerds is thrown together and drilled and honed until they become a fearsome soccer outfit, finally taking on a professional side.

They lost 10-2, and one of those two was the most blatantly deliberate own goals you would ever see.

It was mildly entertaining, although I cannot fathom why the nerds weren’t allowed to don rocket-powered boots at half time, or steer the ball into their opponents’ goal with a clever radio controlled gyroscopic device implanted in the ball. Also, surely it would have been fairer to pit them against a team of dorks? Production executives please take note.

Death to the Toads

2006-06-20T20:50:00.000+08:00

Thanks to fellow orkut-person Tom F. for drawing my attention to the fact that Australia’s army has been mobilised to fight the cane toad menace. Tom writes:

I was pleased to see the Australian Army is battling the swarming amphibian hordes. I suggest your Prime Minister fly in and declare Mission Accomplished amid a huge flock of yowping toads.

Good idea. A win here would be just the boost our national psyche needs after our disastrous showing against the emus:

At the height of the depression, Western Australian farmers called in the army to fight an "Emu War". Soldiers armed with machine guns mounted on trucks, spent several days trying to engage the enemy. But the birds seemed adept at rapid battlefield manoeuvres and were difficult targets to hit. When they did stop a bullet, they showed a remarkable capacity to keep moving. The birds even won the admiration of their enemy. The artillery commander, a Major Meredith, later said: "If we had a military division with the bullet-carrying capacity of these birds it would face any army in the world." The experiment was quickly abandoned, amid debate as to who should pay for the wasted ammunition.

Hopefully after we vanquish the toad, we can turn our attention to villainous Johnny Aphid.

World Cup - Special Craig Foster's Tie-Knot Watch Edition

2006-06-14T12:59:00.000+08:00

Well, the World Cup - sorry, World Cup finals - are in full swing, and the country has gone soccer - sorry, football - mad. Mad, I tell you!

The SBS coverage has been nothing short of what you'd expect. SBS are the mulicultural arm of public broadcasting here in Australia, and certainly love their soccer like no-one else (also their soft core porn, but more on that later). With half a dozen experts/commentators/hangers-on offering round-the-clock descriptions of happenings on and off the pitch, SBS are in their element here, make no mistake.

My highlight thus far has been the knot on Craig Foster's tie. Unfortunately no picture available, but it seems to be getting bigger by the day. At the moment it's about half the size of his head. We'll keep you posted with further developments as they occur.

UPDATE. 14/6/06: No, sorry, no change on the tie front, just would like to draw attention to this ace bit of writing by Harry Hutton:

-Oh to be in England, now that football’s there, to drive around beeping my car horn like a cunt, and taunt my idiot countrymen in German. “Ha! Ha! One-nil, Englisher dumbkopfs.” The expression of hatred on their dim resentful faces is one of the things that make life worth living.

Most of them are too thick even to insult me properly, though sometimes they’ll come back with, “Two World Wars and one World Cup,” which I always counter with, “Three World Cups and one economic miracle,” and then Deutschland Uber Alles or the Horst Wessel Song. During Italia 90 I got in three different fights. It’s always a magical time for me.

Is This How You Sell a Product, or What?

2006-06-06T20:39:00.000+08:00

On eBay:

"TITLE: Holpen Business Shirt 41
Long Sleeved. Shirt Clearance Lot
SIZE: 41
FABRIC: Polyester/cotton
Great for long distance phone calls.
Clean newly laundered in good condition.
I COMBINE POSTAGE SO CHECK OUT MY OTHER ITEMS AND SAVE "

A shirt great for long distance phone calls? Wowee! Gotta get me one of those! (They aren't kidding by the way, long distance phone calls are about all it's good for. Perhaps also being buried alive in, or spontaneously combusting in, but that's about it.)

Something for the Kids

2006-06-04T20:04:00.000+08:00

It's Foundation Day tomorrow, another holiday. It's something to do with a chick chopping down a tree about 200 years ago, and declaring Perth well and truly open, on for young and old; that sort of thing.

Anyway, I thought it might be nice to have a public holiday that's a bit more "hip" for the younger set, and that's why I'm suggesting celebrating Awesome Day, some time around August or Septemeber, because there's nothing there now.

Awesome Day celebrates everything that's really awesome. Haven't really thought much more about it, but I imagine it would begin with John Howard playing a bitchin' rendition of the national anthem on a Fender Strat, and then driving a monster truck around Canberra for an hour or two. It would then conclude with a regular fireworks display, except all the fireworks would be let off at once. Awesome!

I'll get back to you with further thoughts if I have any.

Euro 2006

2006-05-23T20:03:00.001+08:00

Nice wrap of the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest here.

For mine, the winners (Finland "metal" outfit, Lordi) were no less worthy winners than anyone else over the years, including Brotherhood of Man. Actually, come to think of it they probably never did win it ... I guess I could have just checked this out on Google, but what sane person cares about such things.

Terry Wogan was good, and if I had to pick a highlight (so many, many highlights) I'd probably go for Poland reporting their votes, which went a little something like this:

POLISH GUY, who looked like a young Michael Caine replete with horn rimed glasses ie ready to party like it's 1962: "we gave 8 votes to Estonia [or something], 10 to Finland, and ..."

[Slight pause ... you just know he's going to do something outrageous, like, say, award 12 votes to Poland. Haw haw! You can't actually give votes to yourself, of course, which is what makes it all so delicious.]

POLISH DUDE: " ... 12 points to Poland!"

[Another slight pause, just to let it all sink in. Ha ha, who would have thought?]

POLISH DUDE: "No, not really we awarded 12 points to [drowned out]"

HOST CHICK: [in alarmed tone] "You can't do that!"

[Another pause, presumably due to a hefty time lag, where each is trying to work out what the other has said]

WOGAN: "He was joking!"

And so on and such forth. With such hilarity ensuing on a minutely basis you'd be mad to miss it next year.

The Things You Remember That You Tried So Hard to Forget

2006-05-09T20:37:00.000+08:00

It seems strange to think of it now, but that thing in your life that's so big right now ... be it a TV show, style of clothing, cool expression, whatever ... chances are, one day it'll be not only gone, but completely forgotten. Just like Lucy Lawless.

So imagine my surprise (go on! Imagine!) when the other day I found myself recalling the horror that was 'Sex/Life'. 'Sex/Life' was an Australian TV phenomenon in the early 90's, and since so many Aus TV shows are ripped off from somewhere else I'm guessing it was reasonably popular in other countries too. (I could google it and see, but typing "sex/life" into Google is like looking up "Smith" in the phone book.)

For those who can't remember or never knew, it consisted of about 20 minutes of people talking about aromatherapy and the like, constantly looking at their watch, when finally - FINALLY - they would cut to the chase and say something like "premature ejaculation is a problem experienced by many men. So here's 10 minutes of footage of some Swedish models having it off" followed by footage of the same.

The show was incredibly popular for a while, and then thud, or splat, or whatever ... gone without a trace. And were it not for some freaky synapse malfunction, I'm pretty sure I would have never thought of it again.

In hindsight, it seems bizarre that it was ever made in the first place. However, it did serve to demonstrate that no matter how popular a show, it can vanish suddenly, never to be heard of again.

I take solace from this every time I see an ad for Big Brother.

eBay is Great!

2006-05-06T21:00:00.001+08:00

I have to say, eBay is truly wonderful. My collection of ill-fitting Tottenham Hotspur jerseys is growing apace, and this is really not something I could have done before eBay. Or not as easily anyway; I probably would have had to buy some slightly poorly fitting shirts at a shop and then get a tailor to add 10 inches to the arms or reduce the chest width to that of a small child's etc. Anyway, I'm very happy, and I say two thumbs up to eBay. (One thumb 2 mm in diameter; the other 3 metres long).

Ah hell; it's my own fault for not studying the fine print that says stuff like "SHIRT SIZE XXXXXXL".

I also scored a new copy of "Song for the Deaf" for $9. Bargain! It's great; it's the aural equivalent of someone driving a semi-trailer into your living room and applying a defribrillator to your buttocks. Probably.

Harbourtown: a Town of Many ... Harbours

2006-04-20T17:21:00.000+08:00

Spent some of last weekend at Harbourtown, a conglomerate of factory outlet thingies ... I'm not sure of the proper generic term (after all, what retailer isn't a factory outlet of sorts?) but hopefully you know what I mean. Your one-stop shop for lurid orange XXXL Ralph Lauren shirts at $29.99 and so forth.

Anyway, this place has food outlets as well. LOTS of food outlets. And unlike all the other shops, their wares are nothing out of the ordinary, and are all normally priced. Surely it's not too much to ask that they, too, should be part of the Harbourtown experience? Should not the food have something wrong with it, and be slightly discounted? For example, could Croissant Express not sell gigantic or ridiculously small muffins, perhaps next to BLT rolls with no T and twice as much B as normal? All washed down with lashings of Coca Cola made with no sugar (or conversely, five times the normal amount of sugar)? All generously discounted by 20%?

You know it makes sense.

WAR!

2006-04-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

A while back, we advertised for some new employees. To prepare for the wave of bright young things, our department took the step of buying two new desks, two new chairs, and two new laptops. To cut a long story short, the successful applicants have knocked us back in disgust after not getting a solid job offer for over two months after the interviews. So the chairs, desks, and laptops sit unused.

Anyway, today I helped myself to one of the chairs. They belong to no one, they have never been used, and they are comfy and do not squeak (unlike my old one).

To cut a short story even shorter, total pandemonium has broken out. Strongly worded emails concerning "theft" and "unprofessional conduct" have been flung about wildly, and there have been loud arguments in the corridor between section heads! The department is being rent asunder! It is WAR, my friends!

I wonder how sane people would resolve the issue? I would give the chair back, but to whom, precisely? Also, it is comfy.

Ah; I kid, I'll put it back. But let them sweat for a while. What brinkmanship! The Cuban missile crisis pales by comparison.

Pro Hart, Bushman of the Bush

2006-04-04T21:44:00.000+08:00

Artist Pro Hart died recently, and his funeral was covered on the ABC news tonight. He did a lot of his work in the bush, probably, because he was referred to as "the brushman of the bush". Or at least, that's what he was meant to have been called. I'm pretty sure news-reading chick Alicia Gorey (or whatever her name is) mis-read the prompt, because it sounded as if she called him "the bushman of the bush". Which, although it seems a bit of a "duh" thing to say, is fair enough; I defy anyone to point out the faulty logic in that statement.

For some reason it reminded me of the time I heard someone relating a story about how they'd seen one of those steel orb things that people ride motorbikes around in, which had been thoughtfully dubbed "The Death-Defying Sphere of Death".

They were probably lying but why spoil a good story with the truth, as my mate Trev would say.

UPDATE 6/4/06: Edited for very slightly improved clarity.

Cat Empire

2006-03-27T10:58:00.000+08:00

Yesterday we bought a cat. His name is Philip J. Cat, in homage to Futurama's Philip J. Fry which is in turn a homage to Philip K. Dick so an excellent lineage there I think. We got him from the Perth Cat Haven, A Home for Destitute Cats. His original name, according to the Cat Haven, was Cosmo but it would be a cold day in hell before I'd let a cat be named Cosmo so I suggested we might get around the problem by naming him Cosmonaut Yuri Gargarin and call him Cosmo for short. But as everyone else pointed out he'd still effectively be named Cosmo so that idea got knocked back.

I guess this puts me on the cat person side of the cat person/dog person divide, much in the same way as driving a Falcon puts me in the Ford camp of the great Ford/Holden war. I couldn't really care less about either, and when it comes to pets I'm really more of a bee person. But if it must be one or the other, I'm fine with cats, at least they exercise themselves and don't shit everywhere.

Commonwealth Games Fever

2006-03-18T20:31:00.000+08:00

At the time of writing, the Games For Countries Ruled By England At Some Point are in full swing. Things may change (and probably will once the track and field starts) but at the moment it's as one-sided as the 1984 Olympics with AUS substituted for USA. You might be forgiven for thinking the average punter would find this a bit of a yawn, but lunacy and sport go together in Australia like a beer and another beer and so everyone is going nuts over our dominance of traditional sporting rivals like England, New Zealand, and ... er ... Mozambique.

BUT NOT ME! I find the whole exercise jingoistic and trite, and so I'm not going to barrack for Australia. Yes, you read right; I'm not going to support Australia. Instead, I'm offering my support to the one, plucky nation that sits up and absolutely commands respect ... the Isle of Man.

Last time I checked, they were tied for 14th with one bronze. GO, ISLE OF MAN.

UPDATE. 21/3/06: Isle of Man have taken cycling gold and are currently lying 10th on the medal tally with 1 gold, 0 silver, and 1 bronze. Woo hoo!

UPDATE. 22/3/06: No more medals, and they have slipped to 16th behind Papua New Guinea and Cyprus. Still ahead of Nauru and Seychelles though. Whew. Also, I notice Trinidad & Tobago are competing as one country. Can they do that? I might write a stern letter of protest about this.

Medal tally here.

UPDATE. 27/3/06: The Games are over. Australia headed the medal tally with 578402986 medals or something, followed by England, South Africa, New Zealand perhaps, and probably Canada. Maybe. Look, to be honest I neither know nor care, although on something that IS near and dear to my heart - the performance of the Isle of Man - I am quite upbeat, for although they won only 2 medals they finished a creditable 19th, so well done and congratulations to all from the Isle of Conjoined Legs.

Like a Giant Bee in a Giant Balloon, But Without the Bee

2006-03-05T20:14:00.000+08:00

The Perth International Arts Festival is upon us again, and as a loyal supporter of all things artsy-fartsy and most importantly FREE, this afternoon I went along to see a free performance by a group called The Dream Engine. Basically it was a chick twirling around in some sort of gimble-harnass thingy attached to a giant helium balloon. Or as they themselves put it,

Be enchanted by the ethereal beauty of a graceful trapeze act performed high above the ground. Suspended from the Heliosphere – a giant helium-filled balloon – a trapeze artist tumbles and twists in a weightless aerial ballet. A beautiful spectacle that needs to be seen to be believed.

It was OK, and the chick certainly looked pretty fit, but sadly at no stage did the balloon come away from its moorings and rise steadily upwards with the chick twirling, twirling, twirling, until out of sight. It fact absolutely nothing happened that would justify a lusty cry of "oh, the humanity!" so I guess it was slightly unfulfilling in that resepct.

He's One of Us, By George!

2006-03-01T19:30:00.000+08:00

Went to a forum today which was to give the government a chance to listen to THE WORKERS. It started off rather comically when the Director-General of Health began his opening address with an effort to ingratiate himself to all present by drawing attention to how "casual" he had dressed, and how he had not bothered to put a tie on. Wow! "I say, you worker fellows! I've rolled up my sleeves, and I'm not afraid to do some real work; digging holes and so forth. Now let's eat pies, and drink local beer! Straight from the can!"

We banged our hammers and sickles together anyway, just to be polite.

UPDATE. Apparently on Friday he addressed a group of Occupational Therapists dressed as a chimney sweep and concluded his address with a rendition of "With a Little Bit of Luck". Or so I imagined.

Still Alive!

2006-02-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

Despite going to the Big Day Out and flying to Melbourne for a wedding in the last few weeks, I still can't be arsed to blog about it. How do people do this every day?

I've also started buying stuff on eBay. At the moment I'm eyeing off a shirt advertised as "short/long sleeve". I don't know what that means, but I sure as hell want to find out.

It'll be all the rage next season, probably. Mark my words.

Bloody hell!

2006-01-30T09:47:00.000+08:00

Went to the tip yesterday to chuck out some stuff and while giving a curtain rod the old heave-ho I got a humungous splinter in my hand. Went right from the base of my thumb to the base of my index finger, it did. And when I took it out, hoo boy, it was like turning on a tap. A tap connected to a vat of blood, that is! Aiiieeeee!! There was so much blood a small child wandered over to slyly have a look at my hand while I was waving it about shrieking like a gurl^H^H^H^H^H^H^H manfully wrapping it up in a piece of paper I found in the ute.

And then as quickly as it started, it stopped. And now all I have to show for it is a tiny cut near the base of my thumb. I swear life ain't fair sometimes.

Flee!

2006-01-30T09:43:00.000+08:00

Went to the pub on Friday night and tried out this guaranteed chat up line on a group of women. "We've all got boyfriends" they protested, as I smoothed out my sheet of paper and started reading, as if they somehow knew they would be powerless to resist. Unfortunately after I finished they all fled, but it was really for the best.

A Pleasant Afternoon

2006-01-23T09:22:00.000+08:00

Went to a big BBQ yesterday in King's Park for a friend's birthday. It was strangley uneventful until late in the day, shortly after we were supposed to be leaving I had a quick kick of a football. My third or fourth kick managed to strike a tree, richocheted about 20 metres at a 90 degree angle, and struck some old dude on the bonce. He had been hitherto sitting quietly with his family and at first seemed inclined to start a fight but my apologetic ramblings quickly convinced him I was a drunken lunatic and not to be trifled with.

My work done, I went home satisfied.

Idiocy is its Own Reward

2006-01-20T20:37:00.000+08:00

This morning, while walking to the bus, I got a call from my wife. The laundry tap is gushing water, she said, what do I do.

I headed back home and, rather than call out a plumber who would cost tens of dollars, decided to fix it myself. I sent my wife out to buy a new washer while I did the re-seating, which basically involves scraping away all the crud on the bit of metal that contacts the washer. This left a few copper filings in the tap cavity so thought I'd better clean them out before fitting the new washer.

To achieve this, I had the genius idea of turning the water mains back on to gently flush the filings out. Unfortunately (for reasons that escape me) I forgot that no tap => quite rapid emission of water and, for quite a while, marvelled at the numbers on the water meter spinning merrily.

After several minutes it finally dawned on me that the laundry was probably filling up with water, so in a panic I shut the water back off and hurried back to find that yes, the laundry had been filling up with water. Or at least, a generous amount of water was now covering the floor, walls, and ceiling. This necessitated frantic mopping and cleaning, so much so that when my wife finally arrived with the new washer she found a spotless laundry. You've cleaned the laundry! she said.

Anyway, I earned a hefty number of goodwill credit points today for not only fixing a leaking tap but also mopping the laundry floor. Hooray! Sometimes, just sometimes, being a complete imbecile works out for the best.

Supergrass

2006-01-14T19:22:00.000+08:00

Today I spent the whole day laying some turf. The exercise was, for the most part, a litany of disasters, kicking off with losing my way driving to the lawn joint. Mark my words, readers, it pays to have an up-to-date street directory because as the old saying goes, yesterday's "proposed highway" is today's unplanned 2 hour detour via Fremantle.

Then while I was digging the old lawn I discovered a race of fierce subterranean fire ants. Or more to the point, I discovered them while I was lying prone on a rolled up piece of turf and they swarmed up my shirt and shorts. The pain was intense; easily the worst I have experienced since I got a massage from a Swiss tourist a few weeks ago. The only place they didn't bite me was the face and gonads, for reasons I won't go into. Yes, I'm sure you'd like me to go into those reasons - I know your type, you sicko.

Anyway, my back is stuffed, the back of the house (which received the old turf) looks like Bert Newton's scalp except with grass instead of hair plugs and I'm sneezing dirt.

The side of the house, however, looks quite spiffy. Hooray!

The Most Piss-Weak Superhero Ever

2006-01-10T12:47:00.000+08:00

This guy.

Run! Run for Your Lives!

2006-01-10T12:45:00.000+08:00

While riding home from work yesterday, I espied two dead pigeons. (Normally I don't see any.) Two! Does this mean this bird flu has finally reached our shores?

I say yes.

Let's Get This Show On the Road

2006-01-03T10:50:00.000+08:00

OK, after a lengthy absence, here's the first post for 2006.

Christmas: highlight: totally ace present; a small torch that you clip to your ear. Unfortunately it makes it difficult to hear what people are saying but it does make it easier to see (at night, anyway) so lip reading is always an option. Lowlight: dinner with aged AND DEAF relatives. So many, many non-sequiturs.
New Year: nothing to report.

Also we got a new rug. Crazy times or what? They say you set the theme for the new year by what you do in the first few days, so I guess we'll be buying a lot of rugs in 2006. Could be worse, I guess. It was discounted from $1000 to $500 and then to $200 for ONE DAY ONLY. Two things: has anyone ever paid full price for a rug? And why is it only rug shops that do this? Why don't you ever see ads that go "normally you'd pay $1 000 000 for this Ferrari, but for ONE DAY ONLY, out it goes for $200 000!". New Year's Resolution: learn more about the peculiarities of the rug trade.

Without Wishing to Sound Sub-Seinfeld ...

2005-12-03T14:59:00.000+08:00

... I'm going to sound sub-Seinfeld; whenever I hear "the Little Drummer Boy" (and I'm beginning to hear it a lot these days) I always think, "as a parent of a newborn, is that what I would really want? Some youthful Keith Moon turning up, unannounced, and bashing away for an hour or two?". It's bad enough when it's next door, but I guess we should be thankful he wasn't accompanied by his otherwise ever-present mates, Little Bass Boy, Little Shouty Angst Boy, and Little Rev His Commodore Aimlessly for Hours on End Boy.

Luxembourg Rant, Part 54,574

2005-12-02T12:54:00.000+08:00

To cut a boring story as short as possible, the Australian federal government are about to introduce sweeping new Industrial Relations reforms. The Business Council of Australia (a name that says fun times like no other) have been running an advertisement which assures us that although our standard of living is quite high now (cue graphic listing us at 8th or so) watch what will happen if we don’t get these IR reforms! Tick tick tick, and down we go to number 18 or so. Bloody hell! 18! Would you stand for that? I certainly wouldn’t! Why, we’d be living like Mexicans, practically.

So, anyway, if you were wondering ‘do I support these reforms?’ let me say quite categorically, no, I don’t – because I don’t think they go far enough. If lack of IR reforms can send us sliding down the slippery slope that is ‘standard of living’, then by gosh it ought to work the other way too! Let’s lobby for IR reforms extreme enough to send us shooting to the top of that list, and knock off number 1, ie Luxembourg. Yeah, Luxembourg, those smug bastards.

You know it makes sense.

Really Poor Busking Concepts Observed in the Perth Metropolitan Area, 1995-2005

2005-12-01T10:31:00.000+08:00

1. Playing chess
2. Unenthusiastic jigging whilst listening to iPod
3. Jazz Odyssey for bagpipes
4. Off-key grunting
5. Shouting at passers-by

Quick!

2005-11-21T10:41:00.000+08:00

Apparently (according to Mrs B) there is a juice bar in our local mall where they ask your name so that when your drink is prepared they can loudly announce its readiness, eg “wheat grass shot for [insert name here]”. To my surprise she said she provides her real name, which to me sounds like a missed opportunity. What name would you like to hear proclaimed loudly in association with a juice bar product? I think Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Or maybe Johnny Kickass.

UPDATE. Actually I think I would prefer to hear myself paged as "Slick Rick". No idea why.

Shock , Bewilderment as Australia Fails to Lose In Bizarre Circumstances

2005-11-16T21:16:00.001+08:00

Tonight, the Australian soccer team made it to the World Cup finals for the first time since 1760 or thereabouts. The players all seemed quite emotional but they had nothing on the SBS TV commentators who covered the match. Typical post-match interview:

SBS dude [in quavering voice]: Well, after 32 years of soul-destroying, gut-wrenching heartache, Australian soccer arrived in the most glorious, exciting way imaginable. The team played as magnificently as they looked, bedecked as they were in heroic golden shirts, shirts that could so easily have been fashioned from the mythical golden fleece sought by Jason and the Argonauts, fellow-heroes but of a bygone age. As the team rose like a phoenix from the ashes of despair, what were your hopes, your dreams, as you played out the most dramatic piece of sporting-themed theatre the world has ever witnessed, ever, in history?

Player: well, yeah; it was a game of two halves, but ultimately we knew if were scored more goals than them we would probably win, and … ah …

[SBS dude is now sobbing uncontrollably and will not be comforted.]

Player: Er …

[SBS dude waves player away through mist of tears.]

Well, at least it beat the time in 1997 when that idiot tried to steal the net, or whatever.

UPDATE. Post-match TV footage included scenes of the Australian soccer team in their change rooms singing "You're the One That I Want", accompanied by John Travolta. I would just like to say that I foresaw this in a dream, 4 months ago.

I Wrote for Luck, They Sent Me the Spice Girls

2005-11-10T17:35:00.000+08:00

Spent yesterday at home, sick. Watched ’24 Hour Party People’ on Tuesday night, the semi-true documentary of the ecstasy-fuelled Madchester scene of the late 80’s/early 90’s. To enhance the mood, I took some drugs of my own – Codral – and settled down to watch the antics of a bunch of fondly-remembered loons that featured so prominently in my young adulthood.

To compliment this trip down memory lane, the next day Mrs B. bought me a mag that featured NME clippings from the time of Britpop, ie the era immediately post-Madchester. Again, more memories! And did you know the Spice Girls were originally known as Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Sexy Spice, Hitler Spice and Sweet Spice? Nor did I! Now I know what you’re thinking – I’ve clearly made up one of those names – but I can assure you, as improbable as it sounds, one of them was indeed called Sexy. Wow! The things you learn when you’re sick!

Bye!

Great Secretaries of Our Time, a One Act Play

2005-11-08T09:32:00.000+08:00

The following is based on a true story. Ah hell; it is a true story.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Characters: DOREEN, a receptionist. REGGIE, a humble physicist.

REGGIE is sitting at his desk. Enter DOREEN, stage left.

DOREEN: Why didn’t you answer your phone?

REGGIE: Er … it didn’t ring.

DOREEN: Well, there’s a call for you at reception. I thought they would have rung you first.

REGGIE: I assure you, my phone did not ring.

DOREEN: Hmph!

Exit DOREEN, stage left.

Enter DOREEN, stage left.

DOREEN: They’ve hung up! [Pauses.]

DOREEN: This is all your fault.

Exit DOREEN, stage left.

CURTAIN

------------------------------------------------------------------

Jobs for the Girls

2005-11-07T12:33:00.000+08:00

We interviewed for a new physicist yesterday. The applicants were all garden variety nerds (like the rest of us), and one incredibly well qualified, 6 foot tall, Nordic-looking blonde chick.

I expect it's some sort of grand cosmic joke but it will certainly test the steely resolve of certain members of middle management who don't seem to like girls.

The Forbidden Dance of Love; the "Mashed Potato"

2005-10-28T09:55:00.000+08:00

The other day I read something interesting - a man's dancing ability heavily influences a woman's impression on what he would be like in bed. I asked a few female friends if this were true and they all replied yes it was, and they were so, so sorry.

In my defence, I can only say that if you've seen me dance you would know it is physically impossible to be that inept in bed and stay with the same woman for 14 minutes, let alone 14 years.

Makes you wonder if Peter Garrett scared off many groupies. Same goes for Plastique Bertrand.

The Fun Never Stops at the Fun Factory

2005-10-24T11:59:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday we took our kiddies to one of those Fun Factory places. I’m not sure of the correct generic name for these things, but they consist of a vast warehouse filled with climbing equipment, ball rooms, giant slides, bouncy castles, etc. They are very hot, and reverberate with excited laughter and the cries of the maimed.

I’m not going to name names though, because while their ad looked impressive the reality was very grim indeed - most of the stuff looked as if it had been scrounged on the cheap and a lot of it was broken. The centrepiece was a little car track on which kiddies could tootle about in little electric cars but unfortunately none of the cars were working. Someone had made a half-hearted repair attempt, because there were electronic entrails from one car strewn along the side of the track, but to no avail. For a while we watched 4-year-olds take turns at getting hernias as they vainly tried to push their friends around in these busted-arse vehicles.

Mrs B and I ended up passing the time by playing table soccer. Except we had to use a table tennis ball, and for some reason the players’ top halves were much longer than their lower halves so we had to make all the players stand on their heads so they could reach the ball. Not that it mattered anyway, because the table was so warped the ball would eventually roll into a corner and stay there.

One interesting final fact; according to their ad, they also do wedding receptions. You can contact me for details if interested.

When Life Imitates Parody

2005-10-17T14:32:00.000+08:00

"It's not a story about cricket, it's a story about lesos." - Frontline, 1994.

"[Australian bowling coach Cathryn Fitzpatick's] partner, the recently retired Australian women's captain, Belinda Clark, was appointed in July to run the new generation academy." - The West Australian, 14 October, 2005.

One of these sources is a satire of modern media, where the cynical heirachy try to sucker the easily duped public with trashy sensationalism that is not really relevant to anything. The other was a popular TV show from the mid-90's.

Sober, Political Analysis

2005-10-13T09:34:00.000+08:00

After the last federal election in Australia, the government gained control of both houses of parliament. This hasn’t happened for a long time, and they’re making good use of it. At the moment some controversial industrial relations legislation is coming through which means lots of SCARY SCARY TV Ads (c/- the unions) and lots of soothing, calming, driiiiink the Kool-Aid type ads (c/- the government).

Which leads me onto toady’s point. As a result of the control-of-both-houses thing, a lot of people have accused the government, and John Howard in particular, of being “drunk with power”. They always say it like it’s a bad thing. I for one would love to see John Howard drunk, he’d probably be almost as entertaining as (former leader of the opposition) Mark Latham. And that’s another thing … post-Latham diaries, everyone’s saying “well, thank God he didn’t get to be Prime Minister”. I say, it’s a damn shame he didn’t get to be Prime Minister! Where’s your sense of adventure? It would be like being adopted by Oliver Reed.

Genius Part Duh

2005-10-12T11:23:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine is considering adding an extra storey on his house. After cogitating for several minutes we decided that the cheapest and most efficient way to do this would be to drop a shipping crate on the roof. The rationale is that it would crush the roof, thereby abutting the existing structure quite nicely. The problem of water runoff from the flat roof of the crate had us stumped for a while, until we realised that the chances of it landing perfectly level would be about nil.

Brilliant! You know it makes sense.

Genius in One of Its Many Guises

2005-10-11T10:07:00.000+08:00

Many years ago I heard Watergate break-in man G. Gordon Liddy on the radio. The only thing I remember was that he said he could kill a man with a pencil, and sometimes during times of idleness I wonder what other office supplies might be suitable for killing a man … a large steel ruler perhaps, or maybe a chain of suitably sturdy paperclips ... ah yes; eeexcellent ...

Anyway, I think a small hole punch would test even the formidable Mr Liddy, so I doubt many people would instinctively use it as a weapon. This is probably just as well, because the other day one of my colleagues barged into my office in a terrible state and started waving a small hole punch under my boss's nose. Does anyone know anything about hole punches, he enquired fretfully, because his had stopped working.

It turned out one of the punching pins was stuck. My boss tactfully suggested levering it open with a screwdriver and the colleague went away satisfied.

He is a senior scientist in the WA Health Department. However I am unconcerned, because what I saw was so bizarre I can only assume it was genius too great for mortals to comprehend.

Happy Monday

2005-10-10T10:01:00.000+08:00

As part of my current goal of blogging every day, I would like to claim total success, provided one is prepared to accept "every day" really means "every week day" and "blogging" really means "thinking about blogging, watching TV, thinking about watching TV, or thinking about sex". Huzzah, and thank you one and all.

And while on the subject of thanks, a big shout out to Rob Lomax, one of the regular reader of this here blog. I went to Rob's birthday bash last Friday at Chez Lomax and it was, as always, excellent. For once I didn't drink too much and only made two remarks I severely regretted the next day. I think this was due to quality of the company, the food, and the entertainment, which were all first rate.

Cigars for Everyone (Pending)

2005-10-06T20:52:00.000+08:00

Well, you've no doubt heard that 'TomKat' (clever wording. No, really) ie Tom & Katie Holmes, are expecting a child. This will come as a suprprise to many who were under the impression that Mr Holmes was infertile. Let me clear this up once and for all by announcing that *I* am the father.

Of course, Tom and Katie will deny this, but then they would say that. Wouldn't they.

It Shaves! It Clips! It Rarely Shuts Up!

2005-10-05T22:04:00.000+08:00

About a year ago I was given a proper chef’s knife. Man, those things are SWEET; with the barest amount of pressure they can slice through anything ... tomatoes, pineapples, human vertebrae, potatoes … anything. Classic example of how you don’t realise what you’ve been missing until you taste the real action.

Well, add electric shavers to the list. For my birthday last Friday week I was given a really nice electric shaver. It shaves almost as close as a blade, is whisper quiet, and it is incredibly smooth – it feels like a Swedish masseuse is firmly yet gently caressing your face. Compare that to my previous shaver, which felt like monkeys clawing at your skin.

It’s also very communicative – it tells you how long your shave took, how many minutes are left before the next recharge is due, when it needs a wash, and when the blades need changing. It’s like a Tamagotchi – kind of annoying, but I forgive it.

So there you have it. Buy a chef’s knife and an expensive electric shaver. You’ll be glad you did, and think of the money you’ll save on monkeys.

Get a Horse

2005-10-05T11:39:00.000+08:00

Every morning on the way to work I pass a big billboard. At the moment it’s advertising a new Range Rover, which has been photographed to make it look like a rocket, accompanied by a caption which says “buy this and you will ascend to GOD-LIKE STATUS” or somesuch.

Surely with petrol prices the way they are it would be almost as cheap to buy a horse as a four wheel drive. So why not do it? If you’re the sort of person who likes to stand out from the plebs, see above the rest of the traffic, and (in cases of dire emergency) actually go off road once in a while, a horse makes very good sense! Admittedly you’ll get wet when it rains, but the advantages far outweigh this minor inconvenience!

Why, imagine if you saw a fox on the way to work … a fullsome blast on your trumpet to rally the hounds, and you’re off in pursuit of the wily beast! You can’t really do that in a four wheel drive. Nor could you travel to work in a full suit of armour, carrying a sword and shield. Kiss those road-rage hassles goodbye; one mighty swing of Excalibur and yon varlet lies on the ground, cleaved in twain. That will make the rapscallion think twice about stealing your parking spot, forsooth.

Why Don’t More People Dress Up As Batman These Days?

2005-10-04T09:36:00.000+08:00

I was talking to my friend Trev the other night. Trev is a psychologist, and consequently we spend a fair bit of time discussing abnormal psych cases (as you do). One which came up, one of my all time favourites in fact, is The Guy Who Dressed Up As Batman. Before you jump to any conclusions it’s not the one about the dude who jumped out of his cupboard and knocked himself out on the bedpost, or whatever. That is an URBAN MYTH.

No, this particular dude used to dress up as Batman and drive around the streets of his town in a mocked-up Batmobile. Whenever he espied lawbreakers, (typically litterbugs, graffiti artists etc) he would drive up and, in all seriousness, order them to desist. If they did not, he would immediately drive to the local police station and report them.

I can’t begin to imagine the number of impressionable youngsters who would have been “scared straight” by the imposing authority figure of an old guy dressed as Batman, and nor can I guess at the gratefulness of the overworked police for this assistance in maintaining law and order. I say, why don’t more people dress up as Batman these days, and use their powers for good, instead of stupid things like scaling Buckingham Palace? Gah. I blame society.
.

Quick!

2005-10-03T12:26:00.000+08:00

What would you include in your dream home, if you had unlimited funds?

My essential items:

1. Observatory
2. Machine gun nest
3. Batcave
4. One of those rotating bookcases, which may or may not lead to the Batcave
5. Man-made lake with hovercraft. Hovercrafts are so cool.

The AFL Grand Final

2005-09-27T12:23:00.000+08:00

The Australian Football League Grand Final was held last Saturday and is already being hailed as one of the greats but to be honest although it was close the standard of football wasn’t that great. For mine, the highlights were Leo Barry's match-saving grab and the excellent call by JJJ’s Roy & HG.

Sydney defeated West Coast, which goes to show that tough nicknames aren’t necessary to inspire passion. Unlike most AFL teams who go by nicknames like the Lions, the Tigers, and the Bombers*, Sydney have the more genteel nickname ‘”the Swans”. They also have a picture of the Sydney Opera House on their jumpers. Just to recap – they’re called the Swans, and they like opera. Swans. Opera. Football. Such is the way of the modern world, I guess.

*NB: Melbourne (Demons) and Hawthorn (Hawks) used to be known as the Fuschias and the Mayblooms, respectively. Haw haw! At the other end of the spectrum, now-defunct Fitzroy used to be known as the Gorillas. Now there's a nickname you can respect.